Shades of gray and pink streaks

Count it joy when the journey gets rough

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     Any of you ever feel like your staring at your Talent behind glass? For my fellow bronys out there its like starlight glimmer took mine and put it behind ice. I know I sometimes get that feeling. Writers block sucks and so does the feeling like people are holding you back. Its hard to convince myself that what people think does not matter. I know it doesn't matter but I still have that reflex of "what did I just do?"
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     I explain things like this; there is more value in the journey than there is in the destination. If we ever get discouraged its good to know we are not doing this alone. God is guiding us in every foot step if we would just take the time to listen and search for him.
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     I like to think about how I may impact so many people. Truth is it would not be possible if it was not for those around me. Take it all joy that we face many trials because that means we are on the right path. (James 1:2-3) I think I am joyful when I use my AB side and even get creative sometimes.
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      Even if people think your weird and you know it; that should not stop us. Why let people stop us from who your supposed to be. People just want to be on top and they think they will succeed by thinking they are the only shade of gray out there.
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     Hints of pink are in my shades of gray. I call them pink streaks that make my life beautiful. God died on the cross in painted red on us so that we may have a chance. The white that is purity shines brighter and thats what really matters. Its so we may be humble before him.
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     Our destination is not found by fighting for acceptance its about finding the good in people that propels you to your destination. I decided a long time ago to not allow people to force their shade of gray on me. Its the many shades of gray that make a picture. So paint a masterpiece my friends.
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.......................................Foot notes................................

James 1:2-3King James Version (KJV)

2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

The big Question (AB?)

Intro

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     I am going ahead and making a post for all the people who want to know what I mean when I say AB on my FB page. By the way for those of you who stumble across my blog outside of FB I want to personally thank you for stopping by.
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      Also I am planing on me editing skills with my blog very soon. If you guys have not noticed the better fonts and formats I think I found a neat trick. I copy and paste my writing from Libre (MS Office for Linux) to gedit (Note pad for Linux) and save it as a text file. This removes all the unnessosary fonts that dominated the clip board.
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     I also plan on learning more techniques of editing on my own. I dug out my writers book from when I started college at Jeffco. I plan on putting it to good use to fix all my blogs for Kandi Ravers.
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What is an AB/DL?

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      I never mentioned the full meaning of the acronym because I hated the term to begin with. Only reason I even use it is just to reference the community and that I am one. (Minus the DL of course) I still wont go into detail because I am not proud of where I been even though it did help there for a while.
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     AB/DL in short is an acronym for Adult / Baby Diaper Lover. I wore cloth all in ones at night for a while to help with anxiety. Not that I was incontinent but rather they gave a since of security. It was an attachment with the adult size onsie and in general the whole picture.
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     When I transitioned it was an attempted to stop using diapers not long after I began to struggle with temptation to look at graphic adult websites the last time I quit diapers cold turky. (You know exactly what I mean) I began wearing my AIOs agian real quick because I had a really bad sense of loss with that security blanket. Surprisingly it kept me from temptation.
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     When I started doing research on pacifiers and the dance scene of disco. (Music Rave) It was because of Pacific Glow and her accessory she had in the Saddle Row review. I saw a chance to give up diapers once and for all. I prayed about it and it seamed like this is something God wants me to make public.
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     So I made the announcement on Face Book that I am coming out of the closet. Just a warning and FYI ya all; I am not an active member of the LGBQ community and neither do I associate myself with them. AD/DL is a completely different branch. We identify like I said in the previous blogs as people who regress into the mindset of children. Ever seen that meme “I had to adult today?” I can bet you a thousand dollars that came from the ABDL community.
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     In conclusion my transition from the AB/DL community was a result of laying my diapers at the foot of the cross. That is if fate does not hold being incontinent in my near future. Then I will be just like near half the AB/Dls in the community again. A large fraction of the AB/DL community are those who are coping with the fact that they are not continent. I now consider myself for the most part an AB minus the DL or AB for short. Scratch that! Kandi Raver sounds so much better XD!

Turn the music up NF style!

Vision of Kandi Land

Summery of my recent blogs

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     I began to take on the Title Kandi Raver June 2016. God revealed to me that in my AB regression that I was only making my scars worse. I was isolating myself from people who could help me. Worst part is I did not even know I was doing it.
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     I traded my AB/DL for a life of being a Christian Kandi Raver because of how their Love and passion for each other. Plur or Peac, Love, unity and respect is something all of us Christians can admire.
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     I no longer regress when I am hit with depression but instead worship God. You may have seen my obsession for pacifiers so let me clear things up before assumptions are made.
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Pacifiers and the history there of

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     Pacifiers were invented to pacify a fussy child in 1901. In the recent decade Nuk one of the makers of pacifiers began making pacifiers for people who had problems with over eating and for smokers who were desprate.
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     The adult pacifier was used originally as a way for people to stop smoking and or stop over eating. To others it was a way to overcome depression and be able to sleep at night. There are even statements made by people who claim that they stopped snoring with an adult pacifier.
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    When the rave scene came over to America in the 90s it was not long for the pacifier to be used as a dress accessory and even a ravers toy. There are people who use it with drugs but it is frowned upon by those who love the Kandi culture. Pacifiers and Kandi are beginning to be banned for its affiliation with drugs.
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My vision of a new age Rave

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     I find it funny how some one would spend three hours or more dancing and getting their groove on with EDM but when they think of Church they cringe. Some how the thought of having to worship for less than an hour makes them tired. Perhaps it has something to do with the sermon or even the judgmental stares they get of “why are you people here?”
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     Arther way I cant help but observe the Kandi culture and think; “this is absolutely ridiculous.” We have the answers right in front of us and we don't even see it. Instead of embracing the culture and making allowing a spark to set a fire for God we shun them.
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     Is it alright for me to be real for you people? It disgust me so much that we attack people with the word of God instead of telling them about the Grace and the Love of Jesus Christ. When people see them with beads all over or the kitty stuff such as pacifiers we immediately think of drug abusers.
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     Grant it that I was an AB/DL who binged on diapers and adult size baby stuff but even I was overcome by Gods grace. God reached out to me through my Church friends who decided to look past my stuffed animal and child like appeal. Even with their new knowledge of what I done behind the closed doors they accept me with open arms. Heck they encourage me to continue to be who I am.
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     God gave me a vision with the Pacifier and the pony beads. The Holy spirit is a soother and pacifier of human souls. With the Love and grace of a father who loves unconditionally we can show the world what it really means to be a Christian. Being a Christian means that your saved and your living a life in Gods plan with who you are because God made you who you are. Fearfully and wonderfully made.
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God bless the Rave culture and Kandi kids of modern America!

Simple explanations

Recent events

Anyone paying attention?

     A lot of you who have read my Blogs before most likely know about my concept for imaginary friends and stuffed animals. I am not leaving these things behind. I am leaving behind my adult baby regressing for more healthy and productive things.

     I isolated myself from people not long after graduating high-school. That much I know I made clear. The scares I got during that time was bad enough to still cause me problems today. All of my hiding in AB/DLism only has proven to cause my scars to get worse.
Whats the deal with Pacifiers?

Whats the deal with pacifiers

     A lot of people have probably noticed my use of pacifiers and that I like them. Like I mentioned in the previous blog post Pacific Glow a back ground character on My little pony “The saddle review” had one on a necklace in the scenes that she was dancing. It made me very aware that I was indeed hiding and making things worse.

     My thing for adult pacifiers is not new. Very few people knew I even used them mind you; but, I still used them. When my stuffed animal was not enough I used a pacifier to help when my medications couldn't. Just because I take anti-depressants does not mean I am always successful at overcoming depression. I even forget to take my meds on occasion.

     The hardest thing to shake are those thoughts that make me feel like I am a failure. My newest Oc/imaginary is a Raver pony inspired by Pacific glow. Pacific glow had a pacifier. She comforts me when I need some one to talk to. All my OC's are like that but each of them have their unique back ground and personality.

Why imaginary friends 

     I had imaginary friends a lot longer than being an AB/DL. This is even before I got into stuffed animals. The first one I created is Seria whose name is pronounced (C-area.) All my imaginary characters had numerous names and some even reverted back to the names of where they came from. Spyro for instance falls into this category.

     The reason I have imaginary friends began because I realized I talked too much. To put it plain and simple I was the worst person to be around if you wanted peace and quit. So the friends I had were only the ones who were into the same stuff I was into. This is a very basic concept for everyone who has autism. I am not the only one who has this character trait.

     I also was not able to decompress when ever I needed it during my school classes. I had permission to walk out of classes when I needed it but I never liked to miss anything. We did have a room in High-school those of us who had a disability. Just being put under the pressure to keep up with all the other students was enough to force me to lose touch with reality.

     As my imagination and creativity developed so did my imaginary realm. If I could not escape in my mind when I needed to I have no doubt I would have become unresponsive. It has happened. Luckily it happened very few times and even fewer times was it severe enough to make a scene.

     I remember a story my mother told me about how I was put into an individual education plan. My mother was called into school one day and apparently the teacher was really aggravated with me. I became unresponsive to just about everything. I may not have even noticed my mother walk into the room.

     To make the story short it freaked out my mother and she demanded I get some sort of help. I don't even remember this incident because it was in my early school years but it was bad enough that she remembers it to this day. I always struggled withdepression and anxiaty.

From AB/DL to Kandi Raver

Intro

Nube Kandi Raver

     I know I am going to get a lot of crap from both sides. Let me explain where I come from so that we all understand each other. For a while now I have been whats called an adult little. There are other labels for it but I am not too fond of them.

     I don't want to get into too much detail about my little side because I had both good and bad. The concept of an adult little is one who dresses up as a child and gets into the mind set of one. I began doing this because it was my way to reflect upon the world in a positive manner.

     I was bullied through out my school years. I succeeded at overcoming the drama in high school but it still left scaring. My way of dealing with it was getting into an adult size onsie and being a child. In the AB community we call it regressing.

     I hid this part of me because those who I told either accepted it or they attempted to make it sound like they did. In short I began to isolate myself from people because I did not feel like I belonged anywhere. I was constantly given crap for my obsession of My little pony. If people gave me crap for MLP then it would be the end of the world if they knew what I did behind closed doors or so I thought.

Why a Raver

Remix and Cape First

     I am so ready to end the isolation I put myself in. So here is why I want to be a Raver. When I was welcomed to Cape First Church I felt accepted. Something changed inside of me during the time I first started attending Cape First Church. Ever since I came back from the Remix retreat I went on; the wall that separated me from freedom continued to crumble down.

     Let me fast forward to a week or so ago. I was with my Brony friends and we had a great time hanging out. We watched a couple of My little pony episodes together. One of the episodes really stirred me and not in the usual way. It was just a couple of scenes that got me.

     There was a scene with Vinyl scratch the DJ pony and a Raver pony named Pacific Glow. I noticed that she had a pacifier on a necklace. It took a couple of scenes for me to see that it actually was a pacifier. So after coming back home from hanging out with my friends I started doing research on the whole concept of dance music and pacifiers.

     Not all was positive but I saw hope and an opportunity. I have got this idea that if I can give up my regressing for the joy of music/worship as a Raver then I might be able to end my Isolation I put my self in. I felt something deep within me change and it was in short a revelation from God. 

     I am leaving behind the AB/DL community for in hope that I can accept who I am. I may have been healing but I was continuing the scaring. Worst part is the fact that I literally had no idea what I was doing until God pointed it out to me. I was creating a false Identity because I did not want to be hurt like I did in school. My hiding behind closed doors ends now.